Thursday, December 31, 2020
Pizza king to Modi-ka-yaar — 2020 awards for Kaptaan Imran Khan and his team Pakistan
While Shah Mehmood Qureshi kept waiting for an Indian surgical strike, Imran Khan told Pakistanis all is well, and Shoaib Akhtar vowed to free Kashmir. 2020 was quite a year.
Lo and behold, 2020 will end tonight. But not without giving you a naya strain of awesomeness from Naya Pakistan. If there was any team in the world that deserved accolades for running the country with such ease of hilarity in testing times, it was the one and only gormint of Prime Minister Imran Khan. It is to honour the deeds of Kaptaan and his dream team that I give away laurels befitting their accomplishments.
Unprepared, charismatic with a killer smile
On New Year’s Eve last year, PM Imran told us 2020 will be a year of relief. Did it mean relief from him? No way. It was also going to be a year of jobs. His own job? Most definitely. Now there are those who are after Khan’s job. Having threatened us that he is the only choice Pakistan has, we are most certain that despite not delivering on his promises, no power can undo his doing.
Repeatedly, we were told that a struggle of 22 years put Khan in a job he wanted the most, but only to learn this eventful year that he was actually unprepared for the job he wanted the most. What a bummer. Who knew that it was an untrained driver behind the wheels of ‘eggonomics’, desi chicken, goats and sheep that would bring a revolution in Pakistan. The revolutionary thoughts of making electricity with water and how a dam would ensure Pakistan wouldn’t have to import water anymore were only the tip of the 2020 achievement iceberg. For coronavirus relief work, naming a Tiger Force after his pet dog ‘Tiger‘ should be considered a giant leap for mankind. And crowning Osama bin Laden a ‘martyr’ only showed that Khan’s heart was in the ‘right place’. Imran Khan, being a charismatic man with a ‘killer smile‘ (something his colleagues have stressed on), takes our worries away.
Papa slumdog millionaire
The man who transitioned from ‘papa kehte hain bada naam karega’ to Papa John’s pizza, was the only upright and honourable member of PM Khan’s team. Former Special Assistant to the Prime Minister on Information, Lt Gen. Asim Saleem Bajwa now needs no introduction. The revelation of owning a million-dollar family empire of 99 companies in four countries, including a pizza franchise with 133 restaurants, was the highlight of 2020. This could well be Pakistani version of Slumdog Millionaire, but then Bajwa was no Dev Patel.
‘Modi ka yaar’
Former Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif brewing a movement (the People’s Democratic Movement) to oust the government of Imran Khan, was a recipient of the Modi-ka-yaar award even this year. Naming names of Khan’s ‘selectors’ and holding them responsible for the current crisis in Pakistan was no mean feat. But then with more criticism of the hybrid regime, comes the expected certification of being a ‘gaddar’ (traitor) and Narendra Modi’s friend. From Imran Khan to his army of 50 ministers and advisors, everyone has been hell-bent on proving that Nawaz and the opposition are being backed by India and even Israel. Khan even has information that Nawaz Sharif is a traitor, information that he can’t use anywhere. Now, how’s that for information?
Surgical strike minister
If there is anyone who has been waiting for an Indian surgical strike on Pakistan for the last two years, it is foreign minister Shah Mahmood Qureshi. In April 2019, he was sure of a strike between 16th and 20th, then came December, and then another December passed. But what didn’t come his way was a surgical strike that he has now told everyone about. Now even India knows, thanks to Qureshi. It is hoped that a courtesy WhatsApp message be sent to the foreign minister before anyone from India plans to strike. It seems in his boredom of waiting for surgical action, the minister has turned to cutting hair. He even got hair-cut requests from his colleagues who said the minister was doing nothing else.
Although not doing anything is not Qureshi’s forte, he did so much to bring relations with Saudi Arabia to such a pass. That he met with UAE delegates to address the visa ban on Pakistan and returned reassuring them that India is planning a surgical strike, shows his expertise in ‘wow diplomacy’. Don’t try it at home.
Jokers of 2020
In the last twelve months, Pakistan’s prime minister and his ministers have jumped over each other to entertain us. The list is long but those making the cut are Fawad Chaudhry, Sheikh Rasheed and Firdous Ashiq Awan.
Pakistan is a thong. Took more than 70 years for us to find that out, but it took science and technology minister Fawad Chaudhry just one tweet to share his thought (he said Pakistan was a ‘thong’ — not thorn — for the BJP/RSS). He gave full credit to the leadership of Imran Khan for the Pulwama attack. Only to backtrack later. This is how people butter up their bosses before reappraisals. But not everyone is as generous as Chaudhry, who’d throw a terror attack in the prime minister’s lap. Having pulled several political stunts in his career, it is now time for some ‘heart stunts‘ in Naya Pakistan. The minister claimed Pakistan has set up a ‘heart stunts’ manufacturing unit with ‘European standards’.
She was earlier in the federal government, now she is in Punjab, but her reputation precedes her. Firdous, ashiq banaya apne. Those of us who heeded Dr Firdous’ warning on how the coronavirus could enter from below if not covered, now owe our lives to her. Only the Special Advisor to Prime Minister of Pakistan for Information and Broadcasting could tell us, “Tumhara jism ho, pau ho, tange ho, woh protect ho.”
There was US President George Bush’s preemptive war doctrine and now there is Firdous Ashiq Awan’s preemptive anti-Covid doctrine. This year, she also pre-empted that there would be no cricket with India until Kashmir is freed. Never say never.
After successfully making ‘pao-aadha pao’ (125-250 gm) ‘smart atom bombs’, Sheikh Rasheed has landed in the interior ministry. He also knows a certain scientist, probably on the Germany-Japan border, who has made precision ‘kafir‘ bombs that’ll only target the Hindus in India. Probably working part-time as a spokesperson for R&AW, he’s been saying that only those politicians who oppose Imran Khan can be targeted by the Indian intelligence.
He wasn’t the most favourite person of PM Khan who once exposed him for running jihadi camps in Kashmir for money, and then said he wouldn’t keep a “shameless man like Sheikh Rasheed his peon” and prayed that may he never be a ‘successful‘ politician like him. However, considering how he proudly says he is a product of GHQ gate number 4, Khan had to have Rasheed on his team.
Handsome talent
Ending this year on a high, it is now clear that there is no dearth of prime ministerial talent for the selectors in Pakistan. From Shahid Afridi to Shoaib Akhtar and Javed Miandad, everyone is self-sufficient in political rhetoric. Talent ki koi kami nahin. So, if Shoaib Akhtar wants to capture Kashmir and then ‘invade’ India, Ghazwa-e-Hind what stops him? Now Javed Miandad, who till last year was running around with a sword to free Kashmir, has this year been promoted to an expert on China-India relations and Ladakh. Miandad is also on a begging spree, making a fund to pay off Pakistan’s loans, otherwise “IMF will take away our nuclear bombs”. Like, how? Similarly, Shahid Afridi’s anti-India rants have won him a spot on the PM hopefuls. Such is our luck. The year might be 2021, we would still want to live in 1947.
https://theprint.in/opinion/letter-from-pakistan/pizza-king-to-modi-ka-yaar-2020-awards-for-imran-khan-and-team-pakistan/577121/
Asifa Bhutto's message to Pakistan on how to celebrate New Year 2021
